Sometimes a cup of tea is all you really need.
Tonight, while at work--on Labor Day of all arbitrary days--I was drinking tea that my friend had graciously brewed slowly in the kitchen of our studio at work. It was called "Earl Greyer." It tasted grey, but it also tasted like warmth and just enough to get me through the rest of the night.
I've had a lot of "what if"'s lately. Most in joking, but some I've seriously considered. What if I did just decide to stop shaving my legs? What if I just went vegetarian, even though I love chicken too much? What if I switched officially from coffee to tea (still debating if my body can handle the shock, when we [meaning me and my body] love both so much)? What if I had pushed through and gotten my Masters instead of getting married and just settling for a Bachelors? Was ending my educational career with a Bachelors settling? How much do I really miss school? Should I be writing more? Have I spent enough time submitting pieces? Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Who will I be in 10 years?
And while I'm bogged down by the heavy-handed questions, I have to wonder if I should be spending more time just enjoying my tea and letting my eyes grow greyer with the night as I fall into a sleep that calms me, instead of wondering about the "what if"'s of life.
In the past month, I have gotten mixed emotions and messages from friends about how I'm doing--performance reviews, I like to call them. Within a week, two friends, 3000 miles from one another, thought of me enough to say, "You're my best friend, thanks for existing and making my existence cooler." What more could I have possibly wanted? These are the moments smartphones were made for, people.
Then there are the moments where, after a month of a friend not speaking to me--reasons unbeknownst to me at the time--she sends me a string of texts that basically call me the worst. It's hard to argue your side of something when it's not really about you. Having to tell that one friend, "If you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'm not going to fight you, because I care about you. I'll just respect it," probably meant more and carved its way into my skin more than the two texts of "I love you"'s that made me smile and tear up just weeks before.
Today, my friend/boss and I butted heads severely. This does happen from time-to-time, but some part of my pride--and mostly just on principle--I'm still not sure how I feel about apologizing. (Edit: I did apologize the very next day because I'm not that stubborn, y'all.)
Maybe I should just send everyone a basket of teas, the greyest of teas, and a book of meditative yoga. Maybe I just need to spend more time with God figuring out what my actual place is in this world and with these people.