Monday, October 28, 2013

100 Words: Beautiful Smile

That cigarette hangs from his mouth so delicately, and I catch myself eyeing the way it plays from his lips. I hate the damn things, but I'm intrigued at how the mixture of that smell and his cologne manages to draw me in.

He's intriguing, nothing more. If I were to actually admire anything it would be his wit. His age betrays him, but when he smiles or laughs he looks decades younger. Happiness does that to people, I've found. I love to see the smiles that stretch across his face, forming imperfect lines—genuine joy for something is beautiful.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Self-doubt:

The closer I get to graduation, the more I have peers, advisers and professors tell me that they are proud of me and that they think I'm ready to enter the world with full force.

This gives me just enough of a confidence boost that my humility does not dwindle, but that I can at least put myself out there without as much as fear as I had before.

But that constant self-doubt keeps pulling me back and I find myself constantly asking: I can't be this good, can I? I have no reason to doubt what the people in my life are saying, and yet I do. It's in my nature and hard to fight it. But God it feels amazing to have people in my life that care. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm worth what they say, and share that love in return.

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***I know I've been doing a mixture of informal and formal posts a lot lately, but these are the thoughts that I want out there so other people can relate/not relate and we can have a discussion. I want this blog to do just as much of my music fangirling and creative nonfiction writing as I have in the past, but the more informal posts give me a chance to just talk to people and speak my mind. The further I have to delve into my anxiety with my counselor, the more I start to see in myself. I just want to help folks--whether it's anxiety or anything else. If I don't at least try to reach out and share my thoughts, some people could go thinking they are alone. And as I've said today, you never really are. People are always rooting for you; you just have to be willing to believe it.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Thought for the night:

Why are we so willing to let go of people when they hurt us? Everyone is going through something. Sometimes it takes time to realize that we've crossed a line with someone we love. Sometimes we just need to work on ourselves and pull away from others for a little while.

But don't take titles for granted. If they are a "best friend" or a "loved one," treat them that way--even when they make it hard. Be somebody for them when they have no one else. If they push you away, give them time don't push back or give up. Good friends are those who stick around and want to be that light in someone else's life. Good friends sympathize and empathize. It may be hard, but we're all human. And when someone pushes away, find some understanding and give them their space, give them understanding. Let them grow and they will come back to you. Sometimes it takes a day, a week or a month. Sometimes it has taken me even longer. But if they're supposed to be in your life they will be.

And if the truly matter to you, then make sure they know it. Gently tell them that they matter. That's probably all they really need, anyway: A reminder that they are loved.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

100 Words: That Sound

In the midst of my loneliness I still find sanctuary in memories. Your voice is the most triggering and startling sound I know. I often wish I could hear you say something to me without feedback and technical difficulties—I know I’ve told you a thousand times and more.

I may be torturing myself, but I still crave that sound. The sound of your voice reminds me of all the times I could hear your words in my ear and you were close enough to hold onto. It’s that sound that keeps me going until we can have that again.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Beauty:

We love to feel beautiful, but we rarely see ourselves that way. And what bothers me more is we spend so much time telling each other we're not good enough, or judging others for the amount of makeup or the type of clothes they wear that we're missing the bigger picture: It's all just a vain attempt to hide insecurities and distract ourselves from bigger issues in life.

All I want is for people to get it. I want people to stop watching TV or looking at pictures online and immediately thinking inferior of themselves or others. Commenting on the way people look is such a shallow thing to do, and how much effort you've put into your everyday look isn't going to matter if you don't put more effort into who you are. Worst of all, most of the people I notice who constantly remark on others forget that they have flaws, too.

Growing up, I wasn't always the "pretty" one. I grew up with friends who even dared to remark that I was inferior, physically. So what happens to a young girl when she already has social anxiety? She secludes herself even more, she feeds on those insecurities, she becomes her own worst enemy. It wasn't until I dared to even put on makeup my junior year of high school that I was starting to become one of the "pretty" crowd. But it shouldn't have taken that. However people are so utterly shallow that they can't be bothered to see beauty as subjectively as they do art--despite the fact that we all are pieces of art. We're unique in our own ways and we're flawed in our own ways and for someone to act as if they get a say in what is "normal beauty" or not makes me think even less of them as a person.

Perhaps if we uplifted each other and started to believe more of ourselves, we wouldn't have such skewed ideas of beauty. But that's all a pipe dream.

Do you know what I hear when someone comments on someone else's outer appearance? I hear weakness, and I hear the words of someone who is vain enough to think that they are worth more than anyone else. Well, you aren't. You're just a person like anyone else. These degrading comments are just shallow attempts to make ourselves feel superior against one another--just another way we think we're somehow important when we really aren't.

Did you know that that same young girl I mentioned, that went through all of that mental torment growing up, realized something very significant before coming into college... And I wish I had learned it sooner. I wish I had known that the phrase "beauty is only skin deep" is more than just a cliche; it's a message that should be taken into careful consideration. When you see someone and all you see is how they look, you're ignoring their heart and their spirit. You're ignoring their needs as a human being. We all want to feel special and important, but we should be regarded for our souls rather than how adequately we apply our mascara--or if we're wearing any at all. If/when people do compliment me, I find myself politely thanking them, but inwardly shrugging it off. Because I know now that all that effort I put into the tail-end of high school just to feel like "someone" could have been used for something so much more.

Now, when I wake up in the morning and make the conscious effort to get dressed in my favorite outfit or even do my makeup, I'm doing it for myself and not for anyone else. That's the key difference in my day-to-day life. That's how I've fought off those demons that told me I would never be "pretty enough"--I told them I don't care and started doing for myself and living for others. I took that energy and put it into something that will matter years down the road. I found happiness my own way. I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself not because of Facebook comments but because I stopped caring what other people thought of me and started doing what made me feel whole. I did what I had to do to be healthier, but I wasn't forcing myself to fit a norm.

Trust me, I'm human. I have to stop myself from making comments, too--because it's all been ingrained in us from society. It's called a learning process for a reason. And I do appreciate the uplifting compliments, just like anyone else. Sometimes, it just makes your day when someone compliments you. But I'm not reaching for it. It's not my end goal. And to people who dare to even think that their comments matter or should matter, all I have to say is fuck you. Because you can tear someone apart so easily just through those negative words, and worst of all you'll probably never see it when it happens.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

An Early Reflection

The last time I looked at a calendar, I could have sworn it was 2012. We were all speculating if a Mayan prophecy would come to full fruition by December--we were doing what we do every year but it was a different year so it felt different for its own reasons.

And 2012 brought me new realizations about myself, some things I'm still learning. Revelations don't come all at once. There's one big quake with aftershocks rippling after it. Revelations are unsettling, surprising and invigorating. Things make sense, for once.

When 2013 began, I discovered more about myself than I ever thought I would. Music, people and moments that would usually mean something to me suddenly meant even more. I was getting somewhere. I was becoming someone--someone that I finally liked. The best part: I'm finally at a place where I can say I do have confidence--even when it seems like it's faltering. I'm stronger. I'm making my way towards fearless, finally.

But what is even more impressive about the "I's" of 2013, are the people who made this year worth exploring. The year isn't over yet.

"I am positive that I am still 'me', I'm just exploring and experiencing life. I'm living, man, and it's pretty good." - Maggie