Friday, January 18, 2013

I'm Happy

I think back to one year ago, when things were darker, but I managed. I told myself so many times that "I will get through this, and I will improve." But like any resolution, it went unresolved. I am a stickler for self-improvement, but mine seemed to be a slow, painful process. There is something truly liberating, however, in the conversation that preceded the end of the year.

The same thoughts that kept me up for hours for the past few years were released from their cage. I felt something--the pressure softly lifting from my chest. I could breathe.

"So, I'm not crazy?" I asked.
"Of course not," she said. She was a very friendly woman, and I owe her a great deal.

And then I was left on my own, to think again--to consider the possibility that I'm not crazy, but I can't suppress everything. I need to feel, and I'll never be okay until I give myself time to feel. It's ironic, how sensitive I can be and how unwilling to be embarrassed by those emotions I claim to be, and yet how much I held back. And now, here I am dealing with all of the things I put off for so long, and it feels nice. Even through the tears, I feel free--free to feel it all and free to make a change for myself. Why did I allow myself to hold back so much pain?

I'm just one step closer to saying I am 100-percent happy.

6 comments:

  1. Lifted weights off of ones soul is always a great thing :) glad to see it!

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  2. Having been in "the pit of despair" as they say in Princess Bride, I feel for you. I know the only way to beat is to go straight through, no detours, wallow in it for awhile and feel every bit of it. Only then, you'll be able to dust yourself off and move on.

    I realized that by denying the pain, it hid deep inside and festered and grew. Opening yourself up feeds it air and light and it will wither away and you will find yourself smiling and content once again.

    Good luck.

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    Replies
    1. This definitely festered into something. I'm happy to be on this journey.

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  3. Well done you. It is a slow and painful process but look at the strength and experiences we get from that period of time!

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