Monday, July 23, 2012

Impatient Protagonist



The thrill of reading comes from knowing that until one reaches the final chapter, the end of every chapter is merely a prelude of more to come. It's the cliffhanger--the eagerness to find out how everything ends--that makes a reader hold on until the long-awaited conclusion. However, the agitation I often find with life is that I cannot peak ahead and make sure I get a “happy ending;” however relative, however immature. I have to exercise patience. I am not the reader, I am the character; this is my story, for better or worse.

"This is the end, isn't it?" I often ask (and often I have it asked to me). Each "good-bye" feels so permanent. Each time I pack my bags, it could be my last venture. Each time I let go of his hand, it feels like an eternity before I can feel it in mine again.

Each spring is the same. April turns into May and I stare at the last few words of this chapter. The semester has run its course and so have I. I look at my bags and hesitantly pack them with all the things that only seem to multiply overnight. If there is one thing I can say, my story is predictable. Predictability can be favorable; there are notches on some hemisphere of my brain measuring my growth, much like the notches on a wall a mom makes to acquaint the child with having to grow up and grow tall.

I have always been afraid of what growing can bring, and the more I know the more I wish I didn't know. Predictability loves its cliché, and I will embrace it before I embrace something groundbreaking that could shake up my foundation. But even the proper protagonist, through faults and triumphs, knows where she stands. If something unpredictable should come my way, I find a way to understand it. And, in this case, unpredictability was coming home to a new environment of divorce and one less member of a family I had come to understand. Cliché provided me a lesson; our principals are merely recycled. And like knowledge and ingenuity, my story is not distinguishable or creative.

I am impatient. My pages are glued together, and their words sealed with a margin-note: “Do not peak until [insert date here].” Time is always moving for someone else faster and wiser than I. Something new is happening somewhere that could affect me eventually as I sit on my hands; it’s a ripple in time that will tear my walls down. I sit idly by--my only guilt is my false innocence. I mask my impatience with a look of contentment, but my mind is reeling with things I need to do, things I want to do and--worst of all--things I cannot do.

I have deteriorated into a walking list of goals--short-term and long-term. Every obstacle is an obstruction of justice, and is greeted with insincerity and bitterness. I am still struggling to be more welcoming of changes that deter me--I have said it several times before.

Then again, I guess I have always hated cliffhangers and plot twists. That is just one more notch I have yet to earn.

10 comments:

  1. There's so much to think about here. I love the idea of living my life as the central character in a novel, turning the pages to see what might happen next. There's many a time when I'd like to have the ability to do that and to know what the ending will be like. But I'm equally terrified that I'd see the way the story turned out, not like it, but not be able to change it at all, so on balance I think not-knowing is probably best. Anyway - enough incoherent rambling from me - and thank you for making me think.

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    1. You're right, though. Just because I can see it doesn't mean I'd be able to change it. I guess sometimes I like to be reaffirmed that somehow I'll come out on the other end alright. Thanks.

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  2. Hey your blog is so cool. i am glad to visit your blog. we can follow each other?
    fashion News

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    1. Thanks for dropping by! I'll check out your blog more in the morning.

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  3. I love this post. Such a great metaphor. <3

    Also, thank you for the kind words on my blog. They really brightened my day. :)

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    1. Aw, you're welcome. :) And thank you! :P

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  4. Thank you so much for your comment :) I am very happy that I´ve found a man who makes me the best I can be :) Your texts are amazing, by the way. Goosebump feeling everywhere :)

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  5. "I have always been afraid of what growing can bring, and the more I know the more I wish I didn't know."

    such wonderful words. I'll be reading more. I'm following! :)

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    1. Thank you so much! I'll check out your blog when I'm not using my phone. :P

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