Tuesday, June 28, 2011

At Peace With the Broken

I caught my eyes darting down the train tracks. I was not sure what could be there, but it was a new adventure worth having. The idea of running. "Running to what," I did not know; "running from what" was a more important, still unanswered, question. I was caught up in the moment of the self-gratification of the warm sun and my closest companion nestled safely in my arms. Black and sleek, with a user-friendly operating system--back then, my camera was all I needed to be happy. These days, both it and I are lucky if we ever see sunlight other than between the bustling routes I take between school courses, or in the summer, when I spend more time avoiding the brutal sun--hot and not at all welcoming as it was on the tracks that day.

Kayla was there with her friend as well, and we talked as she danced and posed under the brilliant light. It was all more relaxing than I was accustomed. Perhaps that is why, between the click of my lens, I was looking again down the path we were haphazardly standing upon--I did not want the day to end so soon. Time has a way of toying with me when all I want is to savor the moment, or move on and forget it. That day on the tracks feels like an eternity ago.

I looked down in my hands, regrettably, today, and my camera was not there--not like I had planned. Kayla and I had planned this outing for a week, and we both wanted to make the most of it, but life likes to ruin leisure. It had been awhile since I spent any time with her at all. I had a concept in mind, this time: a street theme. It will have to wait for another day. Another day soon, I hope. Thursday I have plans to reunite with my dear Canon and Savannah and go on an outing then, too. I can only hope I manage to make it work this time.

Despite it all, I am more at peace, at this moment, than I was Saturday. Saturday was the day when everything fell apart.

When I was walking down those railroad tracks with Kayla, they seemed to go on forever--no obstacles in sight, no boundaries. Theoretically, the land could stretch on infinitely, and I could just run if I wanted--run for the rest of my life. But here, while I am safely in my own neighborhood, I manage to find every pothole, obstacle and road block to be found. The first one was earlier this summer when the financial aid department kept demanding more tax forms and papers from us, as if we were going to try to get away with cheating on our taxes while I was filing for my third year of schooling. It was a pothole--annoying, could have been a bit damaging, but we got over it and kept going. Then the actual filing for the loans were in order, and after swerving and trying to stay on the right side of the road, we managed to fill everything out with a month or two to spare. Saturday, I logged onto the computer to find out one of my loans had been denied, and I felt my world come to crashing halt; the road block.

With the sensitivity I am prone to, I spent much of that day in bed, selfishly sobbing. Had it not been for the care of my family, Trey and best friend, Melody, I probably would have made myself even sicker than I had: standing up was a challenge, my blood pressure was boiling, and I felt as though I could pass out at any moment. Being sick is not something I enjoy. And the time I was, crept by at a place more akin to turtles, snails or the old women who cannot quite figure out how to work the mobile carts in the supermarkets. I kept holding onto the feeling that what I wanted was what was best, and it needed to happen soon. I often forget this is not always the case. I probably look like a complete ass to the “Big Guy” upstairs. But with some time, I stopped daydreaming about running and just stood where I was firm and in place.

What would I accomplish in giving up what I had been working towards? While the fight just to go back to school seemed ridiculous, I was fighting for something worth my time. I had to remember that. I managed to gather my thoughts and devise a plan.

Everything has been put on "pause" until I can get my feelings sorted and fix everything that has been broken. But today, even though I am reminiscing, I am not longing to be back on those tracks, dangerously teetering from one side to the next. The idea of it never ending seemed marvelous back then, but if it never ended there would be nothing to run to--nothing to gain. I am starting to understand that as I make the steps to pick myself back up and remember life will not always be easy. There is nothing I can do to change an outcome that already is, but I can make choices that lead me to better consequences.

It is probably better this way. Now, Kayla and I can spend time with one another, and I will not be taunted by other fears or thoughts--I will be in the moment, with her, just where my two friends would want me.

10 comments:

  1. Don't fret too much with your life...as everything, good or bad, has a purpose in this intricate work of lace we call our lives...I believe when the Lord lets something happen, good or bad, he takes into account what will be, centuries ahead; If he lets hunger and hardship happen to your family, your decendants would most likely treasure food, and work hard to survive. My Grandmother on my father's side endured WW2 in the Philipines, and as God would have it, she and her family remained untouched by the Japanese on our family island of Taal, but food was of issue; breakfast consisted of black coffee poured on rice. In the present, My father wouldn't allow a grain of clean rice to be wasted, saving money and the enviroment in the long run...Do not worry, as the Lord will guide your life...

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  2. Thank you so much. :) I'm not fretting anymore, but it is hard when bad news comes your way.

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  3. Kayla sounds like a great friend indeed.

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  4. She is when I actually get to see her. :P

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  5. Everything you have written is so very true. I am sorry to hear about your bad news, but it is good to see that you are philosophical about the experience, taking it all in stride, and learning from the triumphs as well as the setbacks.

    Hope you find another way to get where you want to be.

    ~SP

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  6. In the grand scheme of things, it is just a tiny pot hole. It is not a road block, because you can still keep moving forward. You're going to find your way and blaze your own path, and I cannot wait to read about it!

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  7. Hi Jennifer,

    So, if you can't get there the easy - sorry, it's not the right word, I know - way, you just have to figure out another way to get there...

    Sometimes you have to work hard, be inventive and fight - in the right way - to get what you want. In the end, everything obtained that way is so much more rewarding.

    Go for it - there aren't that many things that are really impossible - and you'll probably get what you want. Try to see it as an experience that will make you stronger.

    I wish you all the strength you need.

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