Friday, February 4, 2011

Revitalization and Redemption



Florence and the Machine is loud in my ears. Not because I want to tune out the world, but the pedestrian mall is particularly crowded for a Wednesday morning. And I need to breathe.

I spent the small bit of night I actually dedicated to sleep in a deep, dreamless coma--from which waking was not easy. I took the time last night to pour my feelings out into a message and with every apprehension I have built around expressing myself to others--oddly enough, despite being a writer--it was cleansing. And I slept; I was revived.

Two years ago, I spent some of my flaky time with a boy who would not understand what a connection between two people is if it bit him in the ass. I was just wasting time. It was a vain attempt at trying to find worth somewhere. But there was nothing to gain, and all of that time is now lost to pages in a diary I ripped up and scratched out. When I tried to express myself to him, I was shut down by a shallow wall of concave vanity. And he was not the first to act so coldly to me. So, I shut off.

Last year, I was left believing I would yet again be without someone to turn to in my times of overwhelming despair. In all honesty, I was fine with this. I hated the idea of having to divide my time or really be responsible for my actions or for another. I had spent so much time to myself, even when the aforementioned sat like stone next to me, I did not really know anything else. And then it happened: someone came along.

At first, he was just a guy I was getting to know. And past experience taught me not to be hopeful. But he stole me. And now I find myself frustrated, more than anything else--frustrated that I did not find him sooner. With him, I see the world differently. He is my constant inspiration--a reason to be better than the pathetic excuse I have been, lacking in any self-worth. He made that person in the mirror seem a little less hideous, and gave me one more thing for which to live.

And when I express myself, I am not stupid. I am his world. He makes me feel like somebody. Somebody with real words worth being heard.

When I wake up in the morning, I am someone's love. It makes this dull life full of academia and away from home-ness less dreary. When I am with him, I am home.

23 comments:

  1. Lovely. Goodby to old rubbish and hello to someone worthwhile.

    I love the last line "when I am with him I am home". It sums up so much.

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  2. This is beautiful. I too was trying to make a connection with now it seems a brick wall of a guy. I like when you wrote " I am his world". I know that feeling too. It's wonderful to be reborn to love isn't it? =)

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  3. A lovely post.

    "He makes me feel like somebody. Somebody with real words worth being heard."

    That more than anything strikes me as what it should all be about. Live every day of this. It is absolutely worth it.

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  4. Baglady: Thank you for stopping by! :D He is definitely more than worthwhile.

    Melanie: It most certainly is, my blogging friend. It most certainly is.

    light208: I don't think I've seen you before. Thanks for stopping by. (: I couldn't ask for a better companion, really. It just gets better and better with time. As it should.

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  5. I wish more guys would make their ladies feel like he makes you feel. So many men are stupid wastes of brain matter and they give guys who really try a bad name.
    I hope all of your studies are going well. I miss college sometimes.

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  6. Heh, I think I will miss it later on. I'm liking the experience... For now. And thank you. I do agree some guys give all guys a bad name, and it sucks. Luckily I'm about 99.99999999% positive I am definitely not wasting my time this time.

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  7. Lovely and very well written. I'm glad for you that you found someone who deserves you and makes you happy. And I agree with Baglay, the last line is perfect and it sums up everything.

    Since I'm a new follower (I found you via Baglady) I would like to invite you to check out my blog and become a follower: http://crazythaughts.blogspot.com/

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  8. Thank you! I will definitely visit your blog after dinner. :D

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  9. Came here on Bag Lady's recommendation, and glad I did...I'm happy for you...you deserve him, just as he deserves you....Happy weekend.

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  10. Thank you so much! Baglady's rec means so much!

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  11. I still need to meet this boy! :)

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  12. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Florence and the Machine. I saw them in London last year and they were amazing. You have good taste!

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  13. Ahhh, I think he is a lucky guy. I'm glad you to found one another.

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  14. Beautiful post :D

    Don't settle for anything else than he who makes you feel like somebody worth being heard. That is the most precious gift that can be given and received.

    Cheers!
    Jen

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  15. Jen and Chelsea: Aw, thanks you guys! :D That means a lot.

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  16. hi, I'm Syida
    I have stop at your blog
    N i follow your blog
    i hope u will do the same thing :D

    http://glowingsnow85.blogspot.com/

    p/s: your blog so pretty as u are.

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  17. Thanks, Syida. I always enjoy followers! When I have some more free time and a better connection, I'll definitely try to give your blog the attention it deserves.

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  18. He made that person in the mirror seem a little less hideous.

    You. Stop. This.

    There is nothing hideous about you.

    You are lovely, talented, compassionate, gifted, beautiful, clever, and amazing.

    I like you.

    And I don't let people speak badly of people I like.

    So apologize to yourself. Right now.

    The feeling of home is a wonderful one, Jennifer. But you have to be home with yourself first.

    You are lovely. Please don't sell yourself short.

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  19. Jenny: Thank you. (: I was at home with myself, but it's nice to open the doors to someone else, now, too. I love you, miss.

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