Thursday, July 22, 2010

When Everything Is Falling Apart

***So, this blog post follows some of my more recent, personal posts, but I take back nothing I have said with those posts, because those posts involve situations I do not regret, but lead up to this problem with an unrelated, third party. And, I may have used this picture before, but I do not quite remember. I just know that the title of this photograph I took is called "Frost Bitten" and felt rather appropriate. Hopefully, I won't have a disclaimer or something to say before every blog post from now until I die. I'd like to stop the bold-writing.***



I hate those moments when I realize just how capable I am of making mistakes; those moments when I realize I am just another thin-skinned human being like the rest of them—pathetic, small, selfish and insecure.

I am seeing where some of my friends were not really the best people with which to keep company. It is a slow process everyone must endure. However, instead of dealing with the situation at hand, I just walked away. No words, no good-bye letter. I just left. The one I left did not ask questions and he has yet to try and keep in contact. He has not wondered where I have been. And while I do not care, because it really makes me happier that I am no longer pulled down by him, it is sad to see how much I seemed to really matter. After I ran, I felt relieved to not have him around, and a part of me, not being used to being able to just run away from those that have hurt me or just cause me great frustration and the possible future of a tumor on my left temple (small joke), liked being able to just walk away and not look back.

And I think I never thought about the consequences.

I have been making big errors in judgment lately with my friends. My running away shares great semblance with the same selfishness I just expressed to my friend tonight when I felt she had been lying to me. She had her reasons for keeping things from me, and it was not just me, it was everyone, and I had no right to point it out to her unless she wanted me to know--and she did not. I was not thinking about her, I was thinking about myself. I have my own secrets that no one will ever learn. Everybody gets one chance to do be selfish, and I am hoping I will not go over my making-an-ass-of-myself quota for my lifetime, because I do not like how I felt afterward. Especially after a friend of mine messaged me and we started talking; he just had to be right--the "great advice giver" (me, being slightly less humble since assigning such a title to myself) was wrong and had to take advice from someone else for a change. And if it had not been for his words, and his faith in the girl whose friendship with me might be permanently damaged, I would still be mad and selfish.

But I am not anymore... I am just sorry.

I can never just walk away, and there is no such thing as having the final word. And eventually, that friend will realize that I am not there, and he will probably wonder where I am, and I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do then. For all I really know, he could just be too busy to talk, and he is not trying to be negligent (as much as I still agree I made the right move in that particular situation).

Regardless, she was my best friend, and I hope she still is by morning. But my hopes are not high anymore. I rarely let my temper flare. In fact, most of the time, I am too stone-cold and when something does hit me, I can only cry about it, because it has festered for too long. But with this friend I considered so dear at one point in my life, I found myself wanting to just run away, and when I thought she was lying to me, I remember telling myself, "You just wanted a reason to get out of the friendship, anyway. This is your chance." And part of me still believes such a thing, but for different reasons now. I have gone from wanting to keep everyone close, to wanting to rid myself of everyone I know. I got too caught up in running away and too selfish with my feelings of relief. Sometimes, I am going to despise someone I love dearly, but I will get over it. Not everything is perfect. I am sure I have been despised in the past. If not, I have despised myself for much longer and for enough people to fill a stadium.

For a split second in my life, because three weeks is a mere blink of an eye, I refused to fight and I refused to make things work. If it was not what I liked, I would leave, and now here I am, having to face the selfish decisions I have made, uncertain that I have someone to call a best friend. I have always been the type to have more than one best friend. But even having another one to which I can turn, does not make losing another any easier. And when it is my fault, all I can do is hope the tears run out and I can sleep for a night. Because I, the queen of passion and one who is ruled by her emotions, turned them all off so I could fulfill some selfish void I had yet to fill in my short life. All I can say now is I am happy to have learned this lesson, and caught myself before the summer ended on such a bitter note, even if it is just a little too late.

8 comments:

  1. Very Profound and grown up of you.... Life is a series of ups and downs, crying and fighting and just plain being lost at times. If you remain true to yourself and you alone then no one can fault you on your choices in life. You have always ruled by emotions, that is just you and I am sorry to say you always will. I am only sorry because at times it will hurt you far more than you want to admit. I love and I am always here for you...

    Love neenee

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  2. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Reminds me of a falling out I had with my best friend/ room mate in uni, we were inseparable before piles of misunderstandings drew us apart. I wished I hadn't leave things the way it was, maybe if I had said something, I would still be having her as my best friend today. So, my advice is don't leave it too late for you to patch things up if you really think your friendship is worth saving:)

    xx

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  3. It's my fault and I'm okay with that because I am not sure how I even want things to end anymore.

    It's up to her if we make up. And if we don't, I can see myself being okay.

    Which is sad, but true.

    It's not the same as it has been simply for the distance we've created with school and time.

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  4. This reminds me of me and my friend Courtney. I still kinda hurt from the fact that her and I aren't best friends anymore. I'm okay, sure, but it's the memories that remain and haunt me. :-/ Things will get better for you! And I'll be hoping for the best. Just remember it's what God wants.. even if it's not quite when you were wanting, it's His plan. :-)

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  5. This is a great blog to come across for life lessons. I know that it's not the est thing to hear right now, but i feel that It helps to let you know that I'v been there, and sometimes it feels like i'm still there. I think that this might be the first honest blog i've come across in what seems like eons. Thank you for that post. I would love to continue to read and to comment on your blog. I know that you don't really know me, but I'm hoping that I could continue to post here, and eventually become friends. Your candor draws me in.... if that makes sense and doesn't creep you or anyone else out too much.... I'll shut up about that now....

    I can say that the best thing right now, is to keep pushing. And don't stop posting, though part of me has an inkling that you wouldn't even if you could ;)

    I raise my glass to you... Here's to life.

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  6. Ashley: I love you, girl. I remember you talking about Courtney, once. I think things will be alright. It'll just take some time.

    Atticus: Well, thank you. It makes me exponentially happier to know that something I write is worth another's time to read. I hope you do continue to keep reading. I'm checking out your blog right now.

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  8. Wish I knew what the heck you were talking about.

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