Saturday, February 20, 2010

A Little Time To Think

So everyone is aware, I am still the happy-go-lucky Jennifer that I have been for the past couple of weeks, I have just been caught up in my usual over-thinking. I honestly hate that about myself. If, for one day, I could shut my brain off and just stare at a wall, I would be the most content I have probably been in awhile.

When I try to think about my mother, I do not always remember a lot at one time. Films give people the disillusion that memories will fall down around them like a horrifically beautiful collage of pictures and home movies, but it never happens that way. I have an unfortunately good memory--part of the reason why I have a tendency to dwell on things--however, when I try to remember things about loved ones I have lost, I typically draw a blank.

Sunday night, I had finished packing and was ready to tuck myself in bed before I make the long trip back to campus, when I found a picture of my mother on my wall. It was of my mother, Lynn Gleason, before she started her treatments. I studied the picture for awhile and suddenly realized the face smiling back at me was slightly unfamiliar. This thought was not comforted with my poor memory of her, either.

I spent so much time being angry and only really remembering some of the worst memories, I had forgotten who my mother was--the woman everyone else saw. I felt like a despicable human being. Sunday night, the worst of the memories flooded back and I remembered the days of being a rebellious bitch of a daughter at 14-years old and could not believe some of the things I had said and done to her. And despite all of it, she loved me more than any other woman could. She was an amazing mother and I never gave her enough credit. I can only hope she has forgiven me by now.

The worst thing a person can do is dwell on the bad or make a bad situation worse by forgetting what made life worth living "back then." We all need people, and even adults need their parents. I am fortunate enough to still have my father and to have my stepmother in my life, but I can never forget I did have an actual mother who cared for me more than I was willing to give in return sometimes. In more ways than I would have been willing to admit even a year ago, she is the reason I am here today doing what I am doing. It may sound sappy, but people need to know how much they mean to others. I try to let the ones in my life know, and I hope they do understand just how much I need them and love them.

When given that little bit of time to think, Sunday night, I realized I have been given the chance to finally start healing and understanding who my mother was and how much she meant to me--thoughts I had been shoving aside for too long. I am experiencing some of the more painful aspects of this at the moment, but I am actually happy about it. I never turn away the process of healing. Being bitter hurts more.

Related Post: How Writing and My Mother's Nagging Saved Me

13 comments:

  1. It's amazing how some free time to just sit and think can effect one so greatly. Fantastic post btw, nearly had me in tears. Easily one of my favorites. You kinda made me start thinking about my own mother too. As much of a jerk I am to her, she's always treating me like a king, and maybe I should give something in return before it's too late. Thanks :)

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  2. Thanks, Nick. Your words mean a lot. I hope you do cherish your moments with your mom--and anyone else in your life. We all have the tendency to take family for granted, and I hope anyone who reads this post does not do the same thing I did... I don't really have many regrets, I just wish I had been better. But I know she knows I loved her very much. And when she passed, we parted on a good note, so I have that to fall back on, at least. :)

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  3. The note in your comments box says "Make me proud!" but it's the fact that you wrote something perfect about your mother that should make you proud.

    A beautiful, beautiful post.

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  4. Wow, I can honestly say I never expected you to visit and comment on my blog before. Thanks so much. It means a lot to hear your feedback.

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  5. Jennifer. You wrote on my blog this morning that you don't see enough rainbows. I think you forget that the ones you see with your heart count just as much.

    And this post you wrote...so thoughtful and sensitive and filled with loss and love...was a rainbow for me.

    I am going to keep track of you girl.

    Your writing will be taking you someplace far.

    Keep looking ahead...armed with the emotion and wisdom of your past.

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  6. Thanks, Jenny. What you said means a lot to me. :)

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  7. this is incredible. i so enjoyed reading this!! you were pulling on my heartstrings!! you are definitely making me think about my own relationship with my mother.
    beautiful post.

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  8. Thank you, Chelsea. I like to hear I've helped people think through things. :)

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  9. My prayers are with you! This post made me grateful for all the people in my life, thank you for the reminder!

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  10. I love how articulate you are about your feelings, your post made me want to stop and sit down to think how much my mother meant to me. Mothers are built with such a huge capacity to love, dont you think? Their love is always unconditional:)

    xx

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  11. Christina: Thank you so much. :) I am glad I was able to remind you.

    Sher: This is very true. A mother's love cannot be underestimated...

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