Monday, May 18, 2009
I love those infomercials that depict human beings as either savages that cannot bathe without a proper soap dispenser, or incompetent twits that cannot handle something as simple as the daily routine of squeezing toothpaste from a tube without destroying a bathroom or lighting fire to a toilet. And to make up for the shame that all of humanity carries with them due to their inability to function as a stable individual, they have given man products that improve their lifestyles, such as: dispensers that not only dispense the correct amount of soap into your hand, but can spot all bacteria on your body and attack it with full force, all the while channeling in high-definition stations on a flat-screen television for your entertainment; and toothpaste dispensers that dispense the perfect amount of toothpaste every time, and can stop UFOs before they get within a fifty-mile radius of your home. Forget the fact that these products, cost four "easy" payments of $19.95, plus one very complicated payment in shipping and handling, and the cost of batteries and replacement soap and toothpaste that you will have to pay for because the company just cannot be bothered with offering anymore than one or two extra packages of the hygienic product. Besides that, this deal is perfect!
My most favorite illustration has to be from comedian Brian Regan. Though he does not speak directly about infomercials, he does give mention to how defamatory products and their advertisements can be between the lines:
I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, “Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay...”
I have read novels such as George Orwell's Nineteen-Eighty Four that make you contemplate, not only society, but the malleability of mankind. It is all too easy for men to throw away their common sense, knowing that due to their lack of real thought, they can sue any company and any individual for something that is otherwise avoidable. Because of these people, it is now a necessity to put warnings and even more elementary directions on labels and in commercials. I thank the procrastinators of my generation and yours for their sense of humor. Only true comedians, clearly wittier than the Brian Regans and Dane Cooks of the world, can giggle as they get over a quarter of a million dollars from a dispute over a coffee cup not clearly stating that in fact, the coffee was going to be hot. (Does steam rising from the lid not tip people off anymore?) It is because of this reason, that novels of dystopia and their warnings to society have been written. Those that run our world (i.e. the government, CEOs, etc.) have come to find that people are not willing to use their brains anymore, and so now they take advantage of such. Sometimes, I just want to throw my hands up in the air and, like Brian Regan, say, "I give up on this species."
Case and point: infomercials are not only annoying, but insulting. I hate them all. Unless, that is, the person that is supposed to show off the inane product comes across as incompetent themselves. Then I can find humor in it and mock it as I eat my cereal in the morning.
(And of course, other thoughts are running through my mind as I write, of how insane it is to me that some men think they are in their right to try to rule over all other men--kudos to Orwell for that--but I decided it is better to stay within my topic tonight... You are welcome.)